when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
