twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
