what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
