you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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