I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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