the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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