Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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