I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
