My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
