i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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