There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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