If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
