Ambien. No doubt about it.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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