omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
that may or may not have been my penis.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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