Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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