the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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