brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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