she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You should frame my arrest warrant.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
