I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
