he shaved USA in his pubs
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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