Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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