the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize