ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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