mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
