I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize