I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
