I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
