I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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