I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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