So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Michael Bay diarrhea
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
