I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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