I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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