just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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