I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
