The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
