No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
