Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
