just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
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