wanna go halves on a baby?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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