It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
