farters have to be the big spoon...
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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