he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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