I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
