My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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