Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
