his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
