I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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