just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
