Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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