I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
