I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
