I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
