The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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