Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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