Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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