i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
