have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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