my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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