But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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