I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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